“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”

“This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.”

“Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”