The Art and Science of Compassion, A Primer offers a succinct, all-in-one introduction to the full gamut of compassion, from the evolutional, biological, behavioural, and psychological, to the social, philosophical, and spiritual. Drawing on her diverse background as a clinician, scientist, educator, and chaplain, Dr. Wong presents a wealth of scientific evidence supporting that compassion is both innate and trainable. By interleaving personal experiences and reflections, she shares her insights on what it takes to cultivate compassion to support the art of medicine and caregiving. The training described in this book draws on both contemplative and scientific disciplines to help clinicians develop cognitive, attentional, affective, and somatic skills that are critical for the cultivation of compassion. With striking illustrations for key concepts and concise summaries for each chapter, this book provides a solid conceptual framework and practical approaches to cultivate compassion.
Imagine that as a child you were issued a large backpack to wear at all times. At first you didn’t know what it was for, but then the adults around you started putting rocks in it that you then obediently carried around. After a while you followed their example and began to put rocks in there yourself. Over time, some of the rocks disappeared, but most didn’t, and by now that pack’s really, really heavy.
You often pull out some of the rocks and look at them. They don’t make you happy. In fact they make you miserable. Some at the bottom you never pull out—you might not even remember you have them–but still you carry them. This seems inexplicable. Why would anyone voluntarily bear such a burden?
Unfortunately these rocks are not chunks of shale or granite or sandstone. Those would be easy to get rid of! Instead they are bits of residual resentment, hatred, anger, guilt, and shame from injuries or injustices or mistakes you can’t or won’t or haven’t tried to let go of. The backpack is your mind; the weight of the load burdens not your back but your soul.
What follows are tips for cleaning out that backpack. If the pack’s stuffed full, it’ll take some mental elbow grease to do a good spring cleaning, but trust me, it’s worth it for the sunlight that will pour into your life. After that, there’ll be some ongoing maintenance to keep your pack light and your steps jaunty. Yes, there’ll be surprises. Rocks that you’ll swear you never picked up will somehow get in that backpack, and a few rocks will keep reappearing even after you put them down and down again. Still the effort’s worth it.
So how to get rid of these rocks? The first step is to realize that anger, hatred, resentment, guilt, and shame are not just weight, they’re toxic, poisonous to a healthy life. They cloud your judgement; they sap your attention and energy. They lead to bitterness, depression and despair. If you feed these toxic emotions, the rocks will grow until they’re all you have left. At its most basic, carrying around these rocks is a form of self-harm.
Instead when these emotions arise, acknowledge them, learn from them. Take action if appropriate. And then let them go. This doesn’t mean you should allow people who’ve injured you to do so again. But caution, wisdom, and courage prevent injury better than anger and resentment.
“Few needs of the human heart are greater than the need to be understood—to have a voice that is heard, respected, and valued—to have influence. Most believe that the key to influence is communication—getting your point across clearly and speaking persuasively. In fact, if you think about it, don’t you find that, while others are speaking to you, instead of really listening to understand, you are often busy preparing your response? The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them—when they feel understood by you—that you have listened deeply and sincerely, and that you are open. But most people are too vulnerable emotionally to listen deeply—to suspend their agenda long enough to focus on understanding before they communicate their own ideas. Our culture cries out for, even demands, understanding and influence. However, the principle of influence is governed by mutual understanding born of the commitment of at least one person to deep listening first.”
“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about your self”- Maya Angelou
There’s a humorous office sign that reads “The beatings will continue until morale improves!” We laugh at the sign, but many of us carry an idea that the harsher we are to ourselves, the more likely we are to change.
The opposite is true. Research shows that people who are compassionate toward themselves are better able to take on feedback, grow, and change. They find it easier to adapt because they’re already comfortable with themselves.
They’re less fragile because their whole sense of identity isn’t on the line. They know that what they did isn’t who they are. They can open up, connect, and learn.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean glossing over your failures or challenges. It means supporting yourself while you’re putting them right.
How to Stop Rescuing Other People to Feel Good About Yourself By Andrew Cain
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