The thing exhausting you may not be your workload, your family or your boss. It may be the belief that it all depends on you.
That’s the idea behind a line from the Ashtavakra Gita, an ancient Indian text:
“You have been bitten by the deadly black serpent of the ego and you therefore consider yourself as the doer. Drink the nectar of the faith that you are not the doer and be happy.”
Ouch. But think about it for a second.
The bite: “It’s all on me”
Most of us walk around with a quiet belief: I am the one making everything happen, so I’m the one to blame (or praise) for how it all turns out.
That belief is exhausting. It’s why you replay that awkward meeting at 2am. It’s why a bad review ruins your week. It’s why you grip your kids’ choices, your career, your relationships and your reputation like a drowning person gripping a rope.
That grip is attachment. And the strange part is that we’re rarely attached to the thing itself. We’re attached to what it says about us.
You’ve been told this for 2,500 years
Almost every wisdom tradition has spotted the same trap:
- The Buddha said suffering comes from craving and clinging, from insisting life be different from how it is. The mystic Osho explored this in his talks on the Dhammapada, a collection of the Buddha’s sayings, and on the Heart Sutra, a short, ancient text on the idea that there is no solid, separate “you” to defend. See through that, and there is far less to cling to.
- Epictetus, a Stoic who was born a slave, opened his handbook with a simple split: some things are up to us, and some are not. Peace comes from knowing which is which.
- Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome, reminded himself that he had power over his own mind, not over outside events.
- Viktor Frankl, who survived Nazi concentration camps, observed that everything can be taken from a person except the freedom to choose their attitude.
- Alan Watts put it playfully: the way to make sense of change is to move with it and join the dance.
- Nisargadatta Maharaj, in I Am That, taught that the feeling of being a separate “doer” is just a mental habit. Life happens, and you are the awareness it happens in, not the one carrying it.
- Eckhart Tolle, in The Power of Now, says most of our suffering comes from the mind’s running story about past and future, and that coming back to the present moment loosens its grip.
Different centuries and cultures, same message: you are less in control than you think, and that’s good news.
Hawkins: it’s about feelings, not facts
In Letting Go, psychiatrist David Hawkins says we don’t suffer because of events. We suffer because of the feelings we stuff down, fight or lash out with. Underneath those feelings, he says, are three big wants:
- Approval (“Like me.”)
- Control (“Do it my way.”)
- Security (“Keep me safe.”)
His fix is refreshingly simple. When a feeling shows up, don’t fix it, blame anyone or push it away. Just feel it, fully, until it passes. Then ask: Could I let go of the wanting?
“Not the doer” doesn’t mean “do nothing”
This is where people get nervous. If I’m not the doer, why bother?
You bother because letting go is not giving up. The Bhagavad Gita says to act fully but release your grip on the results. Do the work, love hard, show up, and stop demanding a guaranteed payoff.
And here’s the surprise: you usually perform better. Think of a tennis player choking on match point versus one who’s relaxed and in the zone. Fear of failing makes you clumsy. Let go of the outcome and you free up your energy for the task.
Letting go is also not the same as detaching from people. You can love someone deeply without needing them to behave a certain way so you can feel okay.
The nectar
The serpent’s venom says: everything depends on you.
The nectar says: you’re part of something bigger. Do your part, and let the rest go.
Attachment is a clenched fist. Letting go is an open hand. It can still hold things, but it doesn’t have to in order to be okay.
Your turn
You don’t need to rewire your whole life. Pick one thing you’ve been gripping this week, a deadline, a person, an opinion of you, and ask: Is this really mine to control? Then unclench, just a little.
-One Tusk supported by Claude
